I have been trying to figure out how to write this for the past few weeks... and I figured I just should come out with it. As some of you, my readers, know I have an awful relationship with my mother. I haven't spoken with her in nearly a year. It has been quite the unhealthy relationship since 1998 and I do not see it getting better any time soon. For those of you, who are not up to date, please look here.
To be exact, I have not talked to my mother since my birthday, last September. She corresponded with me via letter and a box of my childhood projects from elementary school along with a gift for Em.
Some of you may immediately think that I am awful and that I will need my mother. I admit that I do need my mother, but I can not look to her for help. She seeks solace in my pain. I have been going through many personal situation in my life that would generally require the nurturing of a mother. Instead I look to my friends to the love and support that I need.
If you have read the link provided you will see that my mother has written some hurtful things towards both me and my daughter. As I mentioned I can take much criticism, but once you talk derogitory about my child my maternal instincts kick in and you best watch out! I found my mother, the woman that carried me in her womb for 9 months and raised me with morals, respect, courage, and love quickly became expendable. I can not let my child be exposed to such hate and negativity. I never told my mom that I didn't want her to cease contact with me or my family. I just ignored her. She hasn't picked up the phone to call me, which is fine, because I don't want to get the follow-up call about her long distance bill.
For Valentine's Day and Easter she sent Em cards in the mail. For Valentine's Day I threw it away and for Easter I had someone at work write "no longer at this address" or "return to sender" or something of that sort. I thought if there was someone else's handwriting on it that she would think I "moved". I guess trying to be sneaky didn't work!
On a Saturday morning, the mailman rang my doorbell and I was cleaning and not very presentable to anyone knocking on my door. So I didn't answer it. He drove off and I grabbed what was delivered to my doorstep. For Em's birthday my mother had my niece send Em a card. Now I will tell you that my niece's mother, my sister would never send Em a card. I know my mother put this sweet innocent 5 year old up to it. If my niece wanted to send Em a card, her mother should have sent it. So I get this massive card delivered to my doorstep... One of those $10 cards or something, which are about 3 feet tall. What a waste of money if you ask me.
I look at this waste of $5 to send this thing and see my niece's handwriting with Em's name on the envelope and my mother's return address and her writing for my address. I think to myself that my mother does not deserve to send anything to my daughter. She has no right to try to communicate with her. I found my mother to be way out of line. So I went to the post office during my lunch hour and did something that I never thought I could do. I put a cross mark on my address with the words "refuse" above it. It was so hard for me to do, but I have to make a point and do what is best for my child. The postmaster was a bit confused as to why I wanted to send it back, but I persisted and he took the envelope from me... Thankfully!
Two days later I go to my mother-in-laws (MIL) to pick up Em after work and she tells me that my mom called her that afternoon and my mom "spoke" to her for about 30 minutes. The funny thing is the weekend before Em's birthday I had asked her if my mother has ever tried to call her and she called within the same week... I asked my MIL what my mother had to say. And of course my MIL told me she wasn't really able to get a word in edgewise. Like that surprises me?? My mom could call and you would be able to set the phone down and intermittently pick it up and say "yeah", "uh huh", "oh really" and she'd never know you weren't "really" there. My MIL said that my mother told me I need to find God. I am a very evil and "messed" up person. I guess she was crying because she wants to know Em. Well I hate to tell you, sending a card twice a year to my child won't help you establish a relationship with my child. She started in again about me treating Em like a showpiece. My mom was doing her psycho deal of crying then when my MIL would get a word in edgewise she'd stop like a light switch. My MIL tried talking and my mom always changed the subject matter from me to my sister. Like I am non-existent, which to a point I am not to her. Apparently during the conversation my MIL said my mom could send the envelope to her house and my MIL would e-mail my mom pictures of Em. While she truly didn't understand where I stood, she obliged. I totally understand though. She loves her grandchildren. She's a grandmother and I am sure she didn't want to keep the joys she shares with Em from my mother. After talking to my MIL my mom never sent back the envelope nor provided her e-mail address to send pictures her way. Once time passed she figured my mother was playing games-- doesn't surprise me. And after all of these years she "believes" me about my mom. It was nice for her to understand as I have considered her my non-birth mother for quite some time.
The next business day I called an attorney that I knew from back home that worked with me on an injury lawsuit 10 years ago. I knew he wouldn't be able to help me, but I knew he would know of someone that would be able to help me out. He referred me to a friend of his, "Pete". I called "Pete's" law firm and left him a message. He called me back a few hours later. I sort of tried to explain my situation to him without him having to be a shrink on top of being an attorney. I basically told him that I want to get a restraining order against my mother. I want her to have ZERO contact with my child. I have control of what goes on in her life and I want to shelter her from the "evils" that prevail in her life. He said with her being so far away it may be unnecessary. I told him, I'd like to go through with it. He advised me to send a letter to her explaining to her that I want no contact with her. He's hoping it will stir the proverbial "shit pot" and she'd sort of harass me or us to start court proceedings. I mean I am willing to spend nearly $1,000 to keep her, my own mother, away from me. I told "Pete" that I didn't want to give her the time of day in the form of a letter. So that day I wrote the following:
Mom or Mother—
I am writing you to ask that you cease contact with my family and me. Please do not mail, call or e-mail nothing. Do not seek information regarding us from any third party. If you can not abide by my wishes, I will file a restraining order against you.
You can write or say whatever you want about me. I have thick skin and can handle it. But, you wrote yourself out of Emily’s life with your last letter you wrote to me at Christmas. Not to mention giving me back projects I did while in school. There’s a subliminal message there and I got it loud and clear. You crossed a line and as a mother I must do what is in my child’s best interest. I simply can not continue this fighting with you. It has affected my health and well being and life is too short to be miserable.
I want nothing more to get along with you and for you to be a part of my life, but I can’t expose myself to the situations that arise between us. I have needed you in my life, but am just not able to turn to you for anything as you seek solace in my pain.
So until this situation is resolved or Em is old enough to tell me she wants to see you I will have to say goodbye.
It has been nearly two weeks since I wrote this letter and my feelings haven't changed one bit. My question is, do you think I may be too harsh? Do you think that I should send it? Do you think that I make total sense about my child?
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