Thanks to my good friend Ms. S'ghetti for giving me the name of this post for my readers!!
This is going to be more of a serious post... As I look to you, my friends for advice... I look at my blog as my release from my daily rituals of whatever is going on in the moment.
This upcoming holiday has been very hard for me to handle for many reasons, much of which I will not elaborate on here to maintain some sort of privacy!! Sorry! But there are a few things that I need to let off of my chest here to feel a bit better... I do realize that this is my side of the story and there are always two sides, but to some of you that actually know me know the "other half" of the story.
Without further ado...
So today I get a package in the mail... You'd think I'd be excited to get a package, but I am not. I went outside in the freezing cold to take my dog out for her personal potty needs. Grabbed the mail from my mailbox and while walking up my driveway I see the package. I walk up to my front door and there it is, glaring at me.... A package from my mother, self portrait attached. I know there are a lot of you who get along with your families, I however, am not one of them....
I will digress a bit here for a little understanding here....
Short life history about JTL here...
- My father passed away when I was 4. It's been extremely difficult to live with, but I have managed for over 23 years now. I have been wishing him back forever and it's just not happening. I look forward to the day that we will be together again.
- My mom has been married a total of 3 times, the whore, she left my step-father of 7 years within an 8 hour period. Now she's married to some freak who's been there done that with everything. He even had gold teeth! Um, gross! But who am I to judge??
- My sister and I have been on the fritz since 2000. She got pregnant on purpose at the young age of 18 and a senior in high school. I didn't approve, but again, who am I to judge? I wasn't raised to have children out of wedlock. But it does happen and it was becoming more socially acceptable. But my freshman year in high school was sort of a culture shock seeing kids my age having kids. But that's a whole new topic, and for the record I don't hold it against others who have had their children young or out of wedlock. I am just speaking on how I was raised. My apologies ahead of time if any of you are offended.
- My sister wanted to break the news to me that she was pregnant on the day of my wedding... How lovely! And what a bitch! For my wedding gift she wanted to get me an ovulation predictor kit. I told her I didn't need and proceeded to ask if that's what she used to get pregnant and she shrugged her shoulders and tried to deny it... Yeah, whatever.
- Well my mom and my sister moved out into an apartment when my mom decided to leave her second husband. They became best friends in a sense rather than a mother-daughter. There is a fine line between friendship and motherhood and my mom blatantly crossed it and ruined any authority she had over my sister. I saw it as a problem and voiced my opinion as I wasn't living at home anymore. So since I was out of the day-to-day happenings things were more apparent to me.
- My sister and my mom had a hard time accepting the fact that I was with my boyfriend/fiance' at the time and I was happy, heaven forbid. They tried to make our lives a living hell and at times they did. After my now hubby lived in Wisconsin with me for 9 short months I made the decision to move to Ohio to make our lives better on many different levels.
- My mom would call me long distance to yell at me about happenings back home and a month later I'd get a call about the phone bill!! What the fuck?!
- My sister got pregnant on purpose for a second time Thanksgiving of 2001 after meeting my daughter for the first time. After delivering my nephew he passed away when he was 2 days old, God rest his soul. So my sister has had two children under the age of 20...
- The thing that killed me about my nephew was the fact that my mom called me to tell me Alexander was born and I could tell something was wrong... You know how you can just tell; well yeah... that's what it was. So I had begun to drop plans with my family here at home to make an emergency trip back to Wisconsin. In the meantime I had tried to call my sister and she denied all of my phone calls. Get this, because I wasn't there for her in her pregnancy! What the fuck, again!! I wasn't in the room when you made that baby... What am I supposed to do?? Hold your hand?! You got yourself in the situation; I am there for you while you are in labor, get over it! Well after trying forever... I get a hold of her and she tells me she doesn't want me to come home to Wisconsin. Later on that night after canceling my trip reservations, my mom calls me and tells me Alexander had passed on. I then said, I can't be there... After talking to my favorite Aunt Renee (dad's sister) who has been a mother to me my entire life. She convinced me to come back home. I did. I came home for one reason and one reason only. For my nephew. I knew this would be the one and only time that I would be able to see him. I went to his funeral and the burial as I had missed the calling hours the night before. The hardest thing for me was they buried my nephew above my father's casket. Adults are buried at 6 feet and infants and children are buried at 4 feet. Well after my fathers final resting place for the last 20 years it was hard to see his soil disturbed. Very difficult to explain.
Since that day I haven't talked to my sister... It's been over 3 years now... - Oh and I shouldn't forget... One week before my wedding... My sister spread rumours throughout my family that I was sleeping with a married man. My mother also believed her and helped her spread the happiness. What a great family I have??? I am taking applications to anyone who wants to adopt a shitty mother or sister!!
After talking to the hubby I ask him to open it. Em and I are eating a little lunch and he's opening it... Inside is a letter addressed to me... He reads it as my stop-gap. After reading it the hubby says you should spend the $16 to send the package back to her... I then ask for the letter. As I skim the letter I read the following...
She then closes her letter...
"I don't understand what your real intentions really are why would you want to hurt someone you love?"
I have no intentions of hurting anyone... I just want to be happy and if not talking to you or my sister is the resolution then so be it.
"It's real clear to me you don't care about me the way a daughter should. Even if you agree to disagree I would respect that but you don't even do that. My precious Em will never know me because you don't want her to know me."
Why should I have her know you??? You do nothing but compare her to my niece. Em is her own person and she will not compete for anyone's attention. Period.
"Em is so sweet, so innocent and so precious you get yet it. (Yes her writing here) She is not a toy and she is not a showpiece. Nor is she a possession. She is you." (Forgetting about the other half of her is her father....)
Possession?? Showpiece?? I could be JonBenet's mom, Patsy Ramsy, now! I have never viewed my child as anything other than my flesh and blood and the fact that you bring her into this letter in a such a callous way with no regard makes me want to vomit.
"Life is about family. That's what we teach our children. I respect your choices but I don't understand them and probably never will. It's sure sad when you have to someone down so you look good, and being so secretive. It's a shame when you have to be someone your not. Just being you is what it's really about. You haven't been honest with yourself... it starts from within. I pray for your beautiful family everyday. You have been so blessed... open your eyes."
I am who I am whether you like it or not... I have made conscious decisions for me and my family with no regrets. Honesty does begin with yourself... It just may not be what others want to see or hear. But to each his own and such as life. Pick up your pieces and move on.
"JTL I am here for you I always have been and always will be if you should decide to share your life with me. The choice is yours. I just want you to treat me as I should be treated."How the heck can you write such crap and then to wrap it up with I love you?? I understand we all need to get things off of our chests from time to time... But do you realize that when you write something in black and white with no deflection in your mannerisms (which I know hers) you can be perceived in the wrong way??? Why not man up and pick up the phone and talk?? With my mom though this was really the best way... You can call and hear her speak about her for at least an hour or more... You can't get in a word edgewise. She's the type that likes to hear herself talk... Hell, I have put the phone down and came back after going to the bathroom or something and she's still talking... Worse than the Energizer Bunny... I swear!!
Hmmm... likewise beotch!
"Remember, I love you with all of my heart. Please give Em a big hug from US. GOOD BLESS YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE ALWAYS MOTHER AND RON (her mental husband) Then she writes love ya lots mom..."This bitch is off her rocker!!
I just don't understand where her thought process is... I believe my mom is bi-polar or needs some medication to straighten those few brain cells left in her brain... And fucking quit preaching to me about Jesus or God... I have my faith and I carry it with me every day. I don't need it shoved down my throat. You can't force-feed someone something they don't want to hear.
Oh! I almost forgot!!!! I just wrote about the letter! I didn't mention what she put in the box... On the right hand side was a huge pile of school work, projects, paintings, etc. that I made in elementary/middle school. There were cards that I drew for my mom telling her how I appreciated her as a mother and a father while growing up. I think those were sent to me for a reason. She then sent me a bible! A nativity set made out of popsicle sticks I made in church while growing up. There were report cards and pictures of me in my early years of school. Pictures of me while I was in dance... Pictures of my father. Pictures of my grandparents (mom's mom and dad). Obituaries.
On the left side, was a lot less cumbersome and there was a small package that included ornaments for our tree. Mom always sends those. It's a nice family tradition that I have passed along in my own family. Then a package to Em which I haven't opened yet. I am too afraid to open it... It could be a bomb for all I know... Talk about some serious hate mail! Should I open her package??**Well I have finally opened up Em's package... Inside was 2 books about Christmas. I will be reading them tonight to her. A Pre-School activity set... Yeah have to look that over and a stuffed possum to go with one of her Christmas books. I guess it's better than nothing and it's really the thought that counts. This child has way too many toys and books will make her smarter in the future! So thanks mom for being thoughtful of my daughter's brain! *muah*
After writing this post I am unsure whether I am happy I wrote it or embarrassed of my dysfunctional family situation.... So please don't judge me or my own family. I assure you we have our moments, but nothing this mental. I think my next stop should be Jerry Springer or something!
To those of you who have made it through this post, I do appreciate your readership and dedication to me... I am the farthest thing from being selfish as most of you have realized in my blog... All of my closest personal friends can say that I (hope) am the most giving person. I'd give any of you my shirt off of my back if you needed it. Even in this weather!
Here's a big kiss in appreciation and NO it's not my lips or my lipstick! Thank goodness for Google Images!!
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