I spoke with an angel...

This weekend I spoke to an angel, I will call her "Wings"... I talked with her today for about an hour. And I now have a sudden calm that has come over me. I am more relieved than I have been in almost four (4) years. This weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders has been the most self rewarding thing to me in a long time.

I must digress to explain a bit... My nephew, Alexander was born August 7, 2002. He grew his own wings and flew to heaven on August 8, 2002. Through the years I was not privy to knowing the actual cause of his death. My feuding relationship with my sister has been more important to her than to tell me how her son, my nephew lost his young life. Going to his funeral was one of the worst memorable moments of my own life. My flight came in after his calling hours, so I stayed with other family and made it a point to go to the church prior to anyone else arriving for the service. I was then able to spend my own time with him and wish him well in his after-life much to soon. He was a beautiful child, he looked like a porcelain baby. Underneath his gown you would never know that he had been cut open for an emergency open-heart surgery. He was in peace. And to see that calm over him was a sombering moment. While the entire situation was heartbreaking and very sad, I believe that he grew his wings for a reason. That reason was so he didn't need to go through his entire life having a health condition with the inevitable numerous open heart surgeries in his youth and young adult life. My father grew up that way and it left many questions with me thinking that my father isn't the only one to succumb to heart conditions in my family.

Once other friends and family members showed up to the church I stepped back and really didn't say much to my sister or my family as I was pretty much written off (read the link above). I had been telling myself that I was there for Alex and I was totally ok with that. I had to be there for him. The immediate families on both sides where called to a different area where there was a prayer said and the casket was closed. I was not invited to attend in that ceremony for the family, however I watched. I was not there to make a spectacle, so I stood back watching and in tears. I probably left a few tears on his christening gown he was buried in. That was good enough for me. During the church service I was numb listening to the Pastor talk. I couldn't believe we as a family were burying another infant. There was a dedication made to Alex by his Grandpa M. He played I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe (the link provided is not the rendition by MercyMe-- I couldn't find a downloadable one to provide). I have not listened to this song until this very moment and it still rips through my heart to go back to those memories.

When I called Wings I was very scared as I asked for her mother and brother, Alexander's father, before asking her for her help. I explained to her who I was and why I was calling. I told her how long I have been married, that I have a daughter and would love to have more children provided I know what happened with Alex. I explained our mutual relationship to Alex and as we are approaching the 4th year of his death I just simply need to know. Wings went on to tell me that she does not like me sister and it is a mutual understanding. She also said that she would be more than happy to tell me how Alexander had passed on. Wings went on to tell me that she would not tell me to spite my sister, but as a responsible adult she thinks it would be prudent for me to know as well. I immediately started to cry. I was overwhelmed with many emotions that are indescribable. All I could think to myself is that I AM FINALLY GOING TO KNOW!!! What a sigh of relief.

She told me that Alex was born with a defect in his heart. Pardon my lack of medical knowledge here... The valve connecting the two sections of the heart exchanging oxygen was the size of a pin. That is why they had to send him Flight For Life to a Level 3 hospital for immediate open heart surgery. They performed the surgery on him and he did very well. Once he was in recovery he suffered cardiac arrest. I know hearing such painful news shouldn't be something to celebrate. But I know that I can finally start to move on.

When I go back home to Wisconsin before the end of the year I will go to the Division of Vital Records and do some genealogy research to find his death certificate. Being since I am not closely enough related, parent, grandparent or sibling I am unable to apply for a certificate. So I will need to take a few hours out of my day to research the exact medical terminology. But now when I go to the doctor I can finally stop talking like a blubbering idiot and tell him something.

I truly want to thank Wings from the bottom of my aching heart for telling me. We had a nice conversation. I have known her older brother for years as I graduated high school with him so we were able to talk about her other family members. She has family that lives near me in Ohio and I told her the next time she was in town I could meet her somewhere for lunch or coffee. We had a connection. My gratitude to Wings can never be expressed in words. However I can say that I can sleep soundly knowing some truth(s).

Again, thank you Wings... I can never repay you for your thoughtfulness and consideration to me and my family.