Facing a fear greater than me...

This is a little more personal than I normally get, I try not to let too many people in on my personal happenings... So here is a real taste of me...

Well this is a hard subject for me to even think or write about...

Yesterday while shopping I stopped in the infants department to pick up a gift for my niece that is going to be born tomorrow. While this was the second time I made any attempt to provide a gift for my unborn niece it has been an emotionally taxing on me. I left the infants department in tears yet again. I can't bring myself to look at clothing for babies for my niece. I have been able to buy gifts for my friends, but when it comes to family I am having a terrible time.

You see, I have wanted to have another child since the day my daughter was born and I have had secondary infertility and was later diagnosed with a reason for my secondary infertilty. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). As a result I have undergone some infertility treatments which has been a really rough road. For 2 years I have fed myself with hormone replacements, had surgery and have had invasive therapy to assist in achieving a pregnancy. I have given up all hope that I will be able to be a mother of any more than one child. And it kills me.

So tomorrow I am going to be in the delivery room with my sister-in-law witnessing the birth of my second niece. She is going to be having a cesarean section and I am the lucky one to watch since her husband is petrified of blood. When my nephew was born she delivered alone and I had offered to her that I would be there for her if she wanted me to be. She took me up on the offer. You may ask why I asked her? Well I didn't get to witness the birth of my daughter as I was unconcsious under general anesthetics and would like to know what happened.

I see my OB/GYN once a month to follow up on my labwork I have done twice a month. Our doctors are the same and the last time I was in the office I asked him if I could peek over the curtain and he said yes. So I am excited about that. I am hoping that me facing my fear head-on will make me realize that my maternal instincts have come to an end and that I have given up my dream of having a large family.

To be continued...