My Future "Stacy Keibler"

Keeping up with weird accident stories...

Christmas of 2002 we were traveling with my in-laws after the holidays to "Amish Country". Amish Country is in Central Ohio and there are Mennonites and true "Amish". We enjoy going down there for day trips and the occasional overnight trip. To be able to get away from reality and enjoy the "simple life" is very relaxing.

For this particular trip we happened to stay overnight as we were shopping for some furniture. Note, if you live near an Amish community, shop there for your fine woods... It's cheaper and you get better craftsmanship, from what I have noticed.

We were back in our hotel we were settling in for the night. My mother-in-law and I played some checkers or something in one of the recreation rooms. When we were done we went back to our respective rooms. I prepared to get Em ready for bed... Her "pacifier" or comfort item was fleece blankets. She hated pacifiers as an infant, probably because I refused them for her on her behalf in the hospital. It's great being the mom!

Em and I were lying in her bed so I could calm her down... Traveling with an infant/toddler in a hotel room and getting them to sleep is virtually impossible! As I layed her down I was laying on my side. For Em to get comfortable she'd literally stand up and dive in head first to the bed... Don't ask me why... Kids do weird things!

For the first few minutes things were going well and as she was settling herself she'd stand and nuzzle herself into the bed... The last time she tried to nuzzle herself into the bed, she head-butted me!!! She dove straight into my nose! I heard a pop and I thought I saw stars. It hurt like holy hell and I thought my nose was gushing with blood. (I am hoping that it's not bleeding as I had both nostrils cauterized while in middle school because of frequent nose bleeds. This was a true test to see if it actually worked and it did!) At this point I screamed, jumped up out of my bed into the chair next to the bed and curled into a ball. I was at the point where I wanted to return the excruciating pain given to me... So I knew that I had to fight the pain out by moaning and crying...

At this point Em is telling me she's sorry in her broken English and I am telling her it's ok, it was an accident. It was so cute and I scared the shit out of her with my reaction. But when it felt like your nose was adjusted right next to your ear, you are going to have a few choice things to say about it!

After 5 to 10 minutes the pain starts to subside and I can be semi-normal again... I get up and go to the ice machine and get some ice for my nose to remove some of the swelling... I sit for a few minutes with the ice pack on my face and proceed to put Em to bed, very cautiously this time.

After she goes to bed, we check out my nose... It is seemingly in place and quite sore. I take some Tylenol and go to bed.

The next morning, we continue our shopping excursion... Over breakfast we tell our in-laws about our excitement... I get a question to this effect... "Did you go to the hospital?" Um... I am not going to some barn hospital!! I will wait until we get back home, not to mention that the nearest hospital was at least an hour away or so...

While we are shopping we are talking about what happened, laughing about it as I am freaked out... I keep getting the cock-eyed look with the same statement afterwards... It looks crooked! AHHHHH!!! It looks fine! me at least! Then after a bit I get a new one... Your eyes look bruised! Oh great! I now look like someone beat the shit out of me! I try to take it with stride and move on, in pain.

We get back home and I decided that I'd wait things out. I thought things were getting better and life was great. Well I was having problems blowing my nose, breathing and I guess I was snoring or something! Yeah right, what woman snores?! Apparently at this point I did!

I break down and finally decide to see an Ear, Nose, Throat doctor. I saw this really cool doctor and he was great...He did an examination and said there was some damage done by my WWF/WWE little girl! I had to go in for X-Rays and a CAT scan... Turns out I had a deviated septum. She broke my darn nose!! He recommended surgery and I obliged... I didn't want to do it as it was my nose; I am weird about my nose to begin with. It's the first thing you see on someone's face and mine was now demented. I had said that if he could I'd like the little "bump" fixed a bit... I like my nose in general it reflects my Armenian heritage, but I just wanted it less obvious! He said we aren't doing a rhinoplasty or plastic surgery and if you want that you'd have to consult your insurance company. Ok, I can live with the bump!

I scheduled my surgery for about a month or more in advance. I figured I needed time to prepare myself... BIG MISTAKE! If you need to have surgery, plan it as soon as practical. Don't put it off. It creates a lot of internal agony.

Surgery day came and I was so nervous I couldn't take it. I was a mess!!! While waiting we were told that the doctor was delayed and I'd have to wait hours, literally! What the fuck?! Give me a sedative or 100! I have an open line by IV in me already... Give me the good stuff... Yeah, I wasn't so lucky. My blood pressure must have been all over the place. Thankfully I didn't flip out or go over the deep end or anything.

I am finally called back into surgery... Don't remember too much about the actual procedure as I was totally drugged up.

What I remember was the after surgery feelings. HOLY SHIT! It hurt like hell! I'd have a zillion children by c-section before I did this again! My nose felt like the size of a small state, swollen and I couldn't breathe out of my nose. That sucks! The first night was the worst. I couldn't lay down as I felt like I was suffocating to death on drainage. So I had to sleep sitting down. Then I couldn't get comfortable at all... Slept for crap! I end up getting some sort of sleep and wake up unrested of course. My throat is killing me... It felt like I swallowed a box of nails. The snoring tore it UP!! So I guess I do snore or the house was too dry, yeah that was it! The house was dry!

I was scheduled to go back to the doctors office in two or three days for a check up. I couldn't wait! I wanted to feel "normal" again, if that was possible.

Go back to the doctor and he's checking everything out... Then he removes these things from my nostrils... Here I thought they were all little, but I saw it after he yanked it out and it looked like a shoe insert for a small foot! Shoved up my damn nose! Talk about scaring the living crap out of you. I asked him, how'd you get all of that up there?? He just laughed. Glad you can laugh about it buddy! I survived both removals of these shoe inserts of my damn nose!

I am then left on my merry way to recuperate which was really freaking hard... But I managed... The pain from having my deviated septum and reduction of turbinates in my sinuses (due to chronic sinus infections) was the worst pain I have ever been through in my entire life!

Never underestimate the durability of an 18 month-olds hard head.

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